More Comfortable in Chaos
by Starlight Black
Summary: On October 31, 1981 the wizarding world was relieved of oppression from Voldemort. On November 1, 1981, Sirius Black was carted off to Azkaban. But what happened to those who loved him? To those who lost everyone by November 2, 1981?


Here's something that came to me recently. Maybe I'll actually turn it into more, but for now this is what I've got for you all.  
xx

Star

None of the HP characters are mine. I just play with them.

* * *

_The patron saint of the lost causes. _

_We were lost before she started. _

_We laid in bed as she whipped around us._

_Maybe I've always been more comfortable in chaos._

* * *

His amber eyes skittered up my face. I knew what he saw. What everyone saw lately.

Tired eyes. Bags. Sharp cheekbones. Freckles standing out more than normal.

"You haven't been eating." These words were the same that everyone had been saying. Though, to be fair, his words didn't have the sting of the others, the others that still seemed to want to talk to me that is. What a pair we were, us two shunned from society. One for what he was, the other for who I'd loved.

"I've been eating enough." These weren't the words I'd been telling everyone. They revealed more. And I blanched. As though I could get any paler. He didn't give me a lecture, and looking at him I realized that we might as well have been mirror images.

He seemed ten years older than he had half a year ago. His eyes ghosted down to my neck, and instinctively I covered the necklace with my hand.

His voice seemed to crack when he spoke, "You're still wearing it?" However, I couldn't tell what emotion was behind those words. After all we'd both loved the man who'd given it to me. The man who was currently sitting in Azkaban. Who'd been there for two months, and who would remain there for the rest of our lives.

I felt the familiar burn in my eyes, but I knew no tears would come. I don't think my body would ever be able to produce more. That first month has seemed like nothing but confusion and tears, soggy and runny. This last month was confusion and dry blistering anger. And numbness. As if I were disconnected from the whole world.

I waited. Waited to see what my long time friend would say. Once upon a time I might have known. But the last few years had been hard. Hard on everyone, and it made you double guess who and what you knew. However, Remus seemed to be the only person who wasn't celebrating, who wasn't trying to forget the atrocities that had happened in the last few years.

"Do you still love him?" Chills ran down my body. The hoarse croak that came from this frail human in front of me, and yet he'd still asked the question I'd been trying to determine for the last two months.

_Did I love him?_

_Could I love him? _

_Could I stop?_

I didn't realize my knees had given out until after Remus had caught me and lowered us both to the ground.

"I feel the same." I felt the burning again. And damned if I could stop the tears from coming this time. I leaned into my oldest friend. Knowing that in the span of the last three months we had lost almost everyone important in our lives except each other.

"I miss him so damn much, and I hate myself that I do." The words started coming now. The ones that I'd kept so far down. "I should have known Rem. I should have known if he'd been the spy, and I didn't. And I don't know if he was. But he killed Peter, and I don't know if I lost the person who he's become."

"We all knew he had it in him." Remus' ragged breath interrupted his words, "I mean dear lord, look at how he was raised. He had to be able to do what it took to survive. But after, after the incident with Snape. We all knew for certain. Maybe he finally just broke."

"I don't know why it would have been now. He couldn't have, he couldn't-" but my words drew in a breath. "I can't."

"Okay. We won't." And as easy as that, some how this man who had lost all three of his best friends dropped the subject. "Do you have something else you want to tell me?"

His words were gentle. So gentle. But the anxiety flooded my body anyway. I couldn't stop it. The pit in my stomach slowly began to eat the rest of me, and my breathing was becoming shallower.

"Hey, hey, hey." He turned my face to look into his. "Look at me. I'm here. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." With a large pause he pushed out the words I was dreading, glancing down to my stomach. "Either of you."


End file.
